TVSquad

(S01E03) I'm really kind of freaked out by the contestants that we've seen so far this season. No, not because there's a transgendered person in the house; the reason I'm so confused is that there seem to be several girls who are kind of awesome.

Of course Hannah is an idiot; she's the small town girl that ends up on the show every season and goes through the competition completely unrepentant in her ignorance. While the other girls in the house usually just go with this, this season they're actually confronting her about her stank behavior, which includes pushing Isis and saying that since she's the "stereotypical white girl," she doesn't come into rooms screaming, (like black people do).

When they have the confrontation, which to me, seems very calm and respectful, Hannah actually likens it to "gang rape," and says it's "like gang violence." She is a ridiculous individual. A ridiculous, horrifying, ugly individual.

I feel as though I've done nothing the entire week except watch The CW. When I close my eyes, I just see images of highlights, dangerously low BMIs and huge, blinding teeth. Apparently, I'm not alone. When Gossip Girl's second season premiered on Monday night, it grabbed record ratings for the show that, up until then, has never been quite popular enough to live up to its buzz. On Wednesday night, even more people tuned into the premiere of 90210, which garnered huge ratings for The CW, with 4.9 million viewers. It seemed as though people were finally flocking to the fledgling network. However, Wednesday's premiere of America's Next Top Model didn't exactly keep the streak alive.

Top Model, which began its 11th cycle, but not, as Tyra said, it's "second decade," didn't have viewers glued to their TVs. The two-hour premiere only nabbed 3.5 million viewers, with 1.7 million of those in the coveted 18-49 demographic. This is down 11% from cycle 10, which premiered in February of this year, and down 32% from last September's cycle 9.

(S11E01; S11E02) The CW is trying to kill me. First they give me a two-hour 90210 premiere, now it's two hours of Tyra flipping her weave on ANTM's season premiere. Is this A Clockwork Orange? Are they going to tape my eyelids open??? All I know is that the hot tranny mess in this season's cast had better be worth it.

The best part of any America's Next Top Model premiere is to see whatever wacky way Tyra chooses to introduce herself to the semi-finalists. This year, she sent the girls to be scanned at the "Top Model Institute of Technology," with Alpha J. and Beta Jay. Eventually, Robot Tyra enters the room to a chorus of ear-shattering squeals. All I can say is that Robot Tyra is no Psycho Homecoming Queen Tyra.

I love advertisements. Especially since the use of PhotoShop has become so widespread, ads and pictures in magazines have become less and less interested in reality, and more interested in the general idea of what an image is.

For instance, the ad for Cycle 11 of America's Next Top Model featured in the September issue of Vogue doesn't look like a picture of Tyra Banks surrounded by fashionista wannabes, so much as the idea of Tyra Banks surrounded by fashionista wannabes ... as imagined by an unholy union of Pixar artists and caricature-drawing carnies after a 72-hour absinthe and 'shroom binge that featured Jesus Christ Superstar stuck on a loop in the DVD player.

A day hasn't gone by where we haven't received some sort of tip or email asking us, the TV Squad, how to get on [insert reality show here]. Unfortunately no, Simon Cowell does not work for us, and Donald Trump isn't my BFF, so we really can't help all that much.

The folks at RealityWanted.com often send us a list of new and existing reality shows that are looking for new, er, talent, and they've given us permission to make mention of them here. We'll try to make this a regular feature as often as we get a new list.

This time we have America's Next Top Model, Don't Forget the Lyrics and a lot of new shows.

When you're a ratings-challenged fledgling network like the CW, you're going to do anything you can to get a leg up on the competition. Releasing sex-filled advertisements for your most high-profile show is a good start, but that alone won't get the job done. To that end, the CW has just announced that it's moving its fall premiere dates up to September 1st, well ahead of the beginning of the traditional broadcast season.

The idea behind the move is that you're already going to be hooked on Gossip Girl and Top Model by the time the other networks get around to premiering their fall shows, sometime around mid-to-late September. The season isn't the only thing the CW is starting early, however. Starting in November, they're also extending prime time, with original programming beginning at 6:30 on Sunday nights.

Check out CW's full premiere schedule after the jump.

A day hasn't gone by where we haven't received some sort of tip or email asking us, the TV Squad, how to get on [insert reality show here]. Unfortunately no, Simon Cowell does not work for us, and Donald Trump isn't my BFF, so we really can't help all that much.

The folks at RealityWanted.com often send us a list of new and existing reality shows that are looking for new, er, talent, and they've given us permission to make mention of them here. We'll try to make this a regular feature as often as we get a new list.

This time we have America's Next Top Model and a lot of new shows.

Television and the talent show have been partners since the very first days of the industry. Taking the best (and sometimes worst) performers and putting them in front of the camera, these shows introduced viewers to personalities that either faded into the background or became household names. Usually, these personalities had a talent that would entertain the public -- singing, dancing, telling jokes -- that they would use once they left the talent show stage to increase their fame.

It continued in this fashion throughout the decades. Until, of course, the 21st Century and the Reality Revolution. While standard, yet bigger and bolder, talent shows continued, network programmers began to realize that there were more talented people than just performers. There were models, clothing designers, chefs, hair stylists, and businesspeople out there ready to show their stuff and make it big. So, they turned some of their attention away from singers and dancers and focused on the others. The result? A schedule full of top models, top chefs, top businesspeople, and top inventors.

In other words, the talent show had returned to television in a big way.

Of course, by "Mrs. Brady" I mean the woman with Wessonality, Florence Henderson, and by "son" I mean her TV son Christopher Knight, who played pork chops and applesauce-lovin middle kid Peter on The Brady Bunch.

Henderson was speaking at a press conference at the Television Critics Association tour for a new Hallmark Channel movie when she mentioned that she thinks that VH-1 pressured Knight into getting married to America's Next Top Model's Adrianne Curry so they could create buzz and more reality show goodness.

Ben Katner of TV Guide interviewed third place finisher Fatima Siad. In the interview, Siad talks about the photo shoot that never happened, the front she put on for the show, the plus-size winner, why she can't stand people who act "ghetto," how she looks like Iman, and much more.

Katner remarks at the beginning of the interview that he was pleasantly surprised by how much he actually liked talking to Fatima. But I think the interview gives us the same Fatima we got on the show. And I think JJ would agree, judging from his reviews. For example, Katner asks if Fatima thinks the judges were trying to find reasons to keep Whitney Thompson, just so Top Model could have a plus-size winner. She answers, "Um, yeah. I was very perceptive in terms of knowing who was going to go home every week. So I kind of knew from the beginning that Whitney was going to win, but I was in denial at the same time. I think Tyra has been dying to get a plus-size model."

Page Six is reporting that Janice Dickinson is pissed at Tyra Banks. Apparently, Banks was photographed holding Dickinson's book No Lifeguard on Duty. In the book, the self-proclaimed "World's First Supermodel" talks about her drug abuse, the incest that plagued her childhood, sex, and affairs with celebrities. When Banks was photographed holding the book, she was allegedly on her way to speak to a crowd of young girls and offer her wisdom (as only Tyra can do).

Dickinson told Page Six: "And she's using my book. I mean, the thing looks so worn it's like she's been reading it on the toilet. It's pathetic. Where's her originality? Does she have no shame?"

TV Guide caught up with America's Next Top Model winner Whitney Thompson. The 20-year-old from Florida dished about being the first plus-size model to win the show, the judges, the clever editing, and being full-figured in the modeling industry.

Of course Thompson said exactly what you'd expect about the judges and the editing. She only saw the judges for ten minutes a week, so they really didn't get to know the real Whitney. And of course, like everyone else on reality TV, she was the victim of good editing. However, Thompson maintains that she was friends with most of the girls in the house and had good connections with the other contestants.

(S10E13) The above screencap is the photographic equivalent of a horizontal suck sandwich.

Okay, that's not entirely accurate. The photos of Whitney and Anya are perfectly fine, but my hatred for the individual in the center pretty much taints the picture for me.

And in a broader sense, that's been the overarching flaw with cycle 10 of America's Next Top Model.

The CW released its 2008-09 prime-time schedule tonight, and here's the rundown:

Returning: Reaper, Smallville, Supernatural, Gossip Girl, One Tree Hill, America's Next Top Model, Everybody Hates Chris, The Game

Out: Aliens in America, Life is Wild, Girlfriends

New: 90210, Surviving the Filthy Rich, Stylista

More after the jump...

(S10E12) This cycle of America's Top Model has made me want to start up a debilitating heroin addiction.

Week after week my favorites have flown out the door starting with the "excitable" Amis and ending with that travesty of an episode two weeks ago when the distractingly beautiful Kataryzna was yanked for "too being vapid." My words, not theirs.

I can't seem to figure out what the hell the judges are looking for this go around, but I sure can tell you what they got. Want to hear it? Here it goes.